The calm before the storm

I am currently going through a type of a lull. It seems as each day goes by, I get a little more nervous...waiting for the big episode. A lot is happening right now. My husband and I decided to try and have a family and he is scheduled for a vasectomy reversal in January. We just had a new roof put on... and many other things.

Also, I've lost 10 pounds all of a sudden. Normally when I have a drastic weight loss, and episode occurs. I end up hospitalized, and for some reason my white blood count is always high.

We are planning to go to Puerto Rico right after his operation for a length of two weeks. I'm not looking forward to this that much because I had a big episode there in 2007 right before I was married. My mom lives there now, and she is unable to travel, so we have to visit her there.

I feel like all my worries are snowballing. I decide one day to cancel the vasectomy reversal, and the next I want us to have a family. I watch TLC's "A Baby Story" and their other programs like it. In my heart I'm scared to death though.

When I was first married I had an episode where I thought that I had chosen man over God. Now I think that if I have a baby the same thing will happen...that I've chosen a baby over God. Today is one of those days where I would rather not have one.

I just wish that this episode would get here and be done and I can stop walking on egg shells.

Christianity and Schizophrenia

What centers and defines you?

For me it is my relationship with God. Prior to being disabled, I would only seek out God when I was in trouble. In December 2006 during an episode all that changed.

It was an uncommonly warm day mid December, and I was just chilling in my room, listening to music, and being somewhat psychotic. I had the window open and no one else was home. I had been trying to come up with ideas for a stay at home business that I could operate online. The radio started playing "Me and God" by Josh Turner. I started to get the weird feeling physically that I get when an episode is about to begin.

It was the first time that I had heard the song, and it really touched me. I vowed that I would not just seek God during tribulation, but all the time. I got an overwhelming sense that the Holy Spirit was comforting me with truths...God knew the amount of hairs on my head, he knew and accepted my somewhat odd sense of humor, and he was the only power that did.

I found myself on my knees and opened my Bible, it opened to Proverbs as if it had a will of it's own. I kept repeating phrases in my mind; "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want" and some others. (I've found that repeating phrases from the Bible, or known things about the Lord over and over stabilize me mentally). I don't think I actually read from the Bible. I was actually quite scared to focus on the words. I just kept it where it had opened, and allowed the feelings of Love surround me.

With the comfort and presence that I was feeling, I allowed myself to look at the person that I was. I asked forgiveness for the darker parts of me, and just focused on the parts like " He knew me while I was yet in the womb."

I've yet to experience that kind of self awareness through God's eyes again in such a way.

Due to that day, I try to seek out the Father often, to meditate on his Holy Word, and to look forward to the promises given in the Bible.

As Jesus is the chief cornerstone, so is my Christianity to me. It holds my feet firm and my heart safe. It is a foundation for who I am. When I move away from it, darkness tends to overwhelm me, and I feel lost and afraid.